Meditation Project: Trying Not to Judge
Sometimes it take a while to realize the most obvious thing of all. This week, I realized, after seeing the above cartoon, which Sharon Olson shared with me on Facebook, how much I was judging myself while I was meditating. I don't really think the text applies exactly to me because I don't think I was "meditating on my inability to meditate," but rather I was trying not to think about how I couldn't meditate but judging myself when I noticed I was "messing up" by falling into reciting my mantra on autopilot, noticing all the thoughts I had in the interstitial cracks, etc.
Of course I know very well—intellectually—that witnessing without judgment is key to practicing meditation. But seeing that cartoon made me realize on a deeper level that I actually was constantly judging myself and that this was one of the reasons why the experience was less than enjoyable for me. Duh.
That happened on Friday, May 10. So after that I set out to notice when I started judging myself and then let it go. Yes, no surprise, that helped make the whole experience more pleasant. (This type of judging is obviously an ingrained habit that I'll have to continue to be on the lookout for.)
Also, I now have a special place where I meditate in front of a window overlooking the garden and the view to the west. I could call it the Yoga Room or the Meditation Room but it's also the room where I hang the laundry to dry. Real life, right?
I also decided that I should gradually move my meditation practice earlier in the day. No, I don't need to suddenly switch to meditating the minute I wake up. However, after deciding that, I didn't really change much. No judgments, right?
Monday, May 6, 2019
Meditated after lunch in my special spot. I noticed how quiet it was, not just internally but also in the outside environment. Sometimes there is quite a bit of sound that enters into my consciousness: the sound of the BART train going by, neighbors talking outside, birds chirping, construction work, etc. Today was just quiet, quiet, quiet for the entire session.
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
Had a similar experience to the one the day before. Felt mostly peaceful and noticed how quiet it was.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
I meditated immediate before leaving the house to do something that was very stressful for me and was able to achieve a feeling of stress despite my dread. I typically think of meditation as being a way to recover from stress (to tamp it down) but perhaps it is also a good way to prepare for it? (Am I stating the obvious?)
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Practiced in the late morning before lunch. It was definitely calming after my frenzy of morning activities. I decided while meditating that I should just slowly move my practice earlier in the day and see how that goes.
Friday, May 10, 2019
Despite yesterday's decision, I didn't meditate until mid-afternoon before my asana practice. I judged myself about that. And maybe I just need to stop judging myself all the time about my practice and how I'm doing it. So I made that my goal instead.
Saturday, May 11, 2019
I really focused on trying not to judge myself when I went on autopilot with my mantra or when I noticed my trivial thoughts. This does bring a new sense of ease. This definitely needs to be the focus of my practice!
by Nina Zolotow
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