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| Black Magic by Rene Magritte |
For several years I've been saying that I had "trained my nervous system" to enter into a state of relaxation very quickly because I had been practicing supported inverted poses, particular Legs Up the Wall pose, so regularly. As soon as I enter the pose, I feel an almost instant feeling of relaxation (I joked it was hard for me to teach the poses because when I demonstrated one, I felt so reluctant to come out). So I was very interested to read this comment from Ram (from the Meditation, Deep Relaxation, and Brain Waves post):
"Guided meditation is required for beginners and intermediates, and once an individual knows how to reach that theta/delta state, it will probably make him/her more independent:
Had I actually been training for meditation that whole time? So this week I decided to see if I could intentionally enter that same state while meditating (rather than just "meditating" and waiting for the Relaxation Response to be triggered). And, yes, it turned out that I could. Merely by recalling my visceral memory of what deep relaxation feels like and giving myself an instruction to go there, I was able to experience a rapid sense of quieting in seated meditation, which only deepened as the practice went on. Fascinating.
That made meditating a more pleasant experience. However, I'm still not enamored with it. Even with fewer thoughts in a more peaceful environment, I still find certain thoughts aggravating. So later in the week, I tried a novel way to address that.
Another thing that came up this week that I will have to discuss later on is I realized there is an essential difference between yogic meditation and Buddhist meditation (and this is partly related to the aggravating thoughts problem). They tend to be conflated, which I think causes some confusion in the yoga world. Or maybe no one in the yoga world cares but me. Meanwhile, although for now I'm practicing yogic meditation, I'm not even sure which type I want to practice in the long run.
Now here is my meditation diary for this week. It's kind of humorous, really.
Monday, January 7, 2019
Today I decided to try a seated meditation and intentionally try to slip into a state of deep relaxation based on my body-mind's familiarity with that state. I literally gave myself a mental instruction to slip into that state and on my exhalations I told myself to "go deeper". That worked within a minute or two! So my meditation experience was much quieter throughout and there were fewer aggravating thoughts. Still don't love this experience, though.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
I tried a gratitude meditation from Insight, but I immediately started internally arguing with the teachers. Why are you saying that? Is it even true? What do you mean by saying if I feel tingly that means oxygen is going to all the cells in my body? That's happening 24/7 or else I'd be all shriveled up. So I turned off the meditation and starting my own practice. I felt grateful I could meditate without help.
My practice was a weird combination of self-guided quieting with lots of aggravating thoughts, probably from my pre-practice rant.
I really would like to try a guided gratitude meditation but I'm so picky....
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
I wasn't particularly motivated today (sometimes I feel overwhelmed with adding a meditation practice to a day that also includes an asana practice and a writing practice). So I listened for a bit to a Rod Stryker meditation from the app someone recommended to me. Got aggravated with him immediately. So I treated myself to Legs Up the Wall with breath awareness (and intentional self-guided quieting). This is very easy and soothing for me and quietness became even deeper after 7 minutes or so.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
When I sit down to meditate, I feel some dread regarding the aggravation I feel at my thoughts in the state of meditation. Yes, of course, I need to learn to just have them and not feel aggravated by them. So as I practiced, I spontaneously came up with a mantra that I recited internally on my exhalation: "Don't be aggravated." Haha, that actually worked pretty well. I realize I could phrase something like that more positively, but I found "Don't be aggravated" kind of humorous, so that made it more enjoyable for me.
Friday, January 11, 2019
Practiced seated meditation again with breath awareness for 15 minutes. Why does the first half of the session always seem so much shorter than the second half? (I'm like that kid in the car asking "Are we there yet?").
Near the end I got very hot and threw off the shawl I was wearing. Is that cheating? Are you supposed to always persevere through any physical discomfort?
Sunday, January 13, 2019
It was a very busy weekend for me due to a memorial and out of town visitors. So I grabbed 15 minutes for a seated practice late on Sunday morning. Brad left me alone, as he was busy baking (and I warned him!).
I spent the first half thinking of the word gratitude on my exhalation. This did not prompt the same quieting (though maybe it had other effects—it's not all about quieting, right?) effect that intentionally receiving quietness does. (I'm interested in the effects of a gratitude practice on my daily life. It's something I take a moment for many times during the day.) So for the second half, I returned to intentionally receiving quietness, which worked nicely.
by Nina Zolotow
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