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| Decalcomania by Rene Magritte |
I'm still practicing six days a week and I'm starting to observe some differences in my experiences. Some days are still more enjoyable than others. But the important thing that happened was I had some important insights into why I'm really uncomfortable—and even slightly panicky—when I lose sense of how much time is passing (something I've been calling feeling "lost in time" or "adrift in time").
Near the end of the week, as I returned to having that same unpleasant experience periodically, I decided to take a brief look at it (instead of just trying to return to my object of meditation). What I realized then was that this feeling reminded me of my experiences with insomnia. The phrase that came to my mind was "endlessly awake and trying not to think."
Although my ability to sleep and also not to panic when I can't sleep has greatly improved over the years, there were two times in my life (once in my early thirties and once in my early forties) when severe insomnia was the first symptom of an impending nervous breakdown. So I became almost phobic about it. And now I realize that even though the unpleasant feelings I experience during meditation of feeling endlessly awake and trying not to think about what time it is and how much time has passed and how much more time I have left to sit isn't insomnia, it was reminding me of insomnia and thus making my sitting time more unpleasant than it needed to be. No wonder it took me so many years to start a regular practice.
Because I just gained this insight at the end of this past week, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it, but just gaining this understanding seemed like a big breakthrough.
Another thing that happened this week was that I've gone done the rabbit hole of learning more about the types of meditation (now there are three!) and the history of meditation. I will be sharing some of this next week.
I did some experimenting with two different types this week and noticed a difference. I even decided to buy the book Meditation for Dummies, which I'll be reading with my friend Melitta. It was hard to admit I'm a dummy when it comes to meditation but, duh, maybe I am.
Do you have spontaneous insights while you're meditating? I'd love to hear about it.
Here's my meditation diary for this week. You can see me working toward my big insight.
Monday, January 23
Today I worked on receiving quietness. I realized that this particular practice is a bit strange for me as I experience the quietness as a gradual darkening, which I actually find unpleasant in some ways. Is this causing some anxiety?
Tuesday, January 24
Today felt really long and boring, with that same sense of being adrift in time. It made me think of the character in the book Catch 22 who tried to make his life during WWII as boring as possible so it would seem as long as possible. To try to turn that around, I spent the last 5 minutes of practice meditating on my gratitude for "quiet time." That didn't help much, though. I felt quiet afterward, however.
Wednesday, January 25
I decided to focus on gratitude instead of quieting to see what that was like. The first 5 minutes I focused on gratitude for "quiet time." I wasn't enjoying that, so for the rest of the session I focused on gratitude for my life in general. That was much better. I thought, I can spent 15 minutes a day feeling grateful for my life. But would I want to spend more time than that?
Thursday, January 24
It was a beautiful sunny day so I decided to sit with the sun shining on my back and feel gratitude for the warmth of the sun and notice how warm my back felt. This was easier and more comfortable than the "receiving quietness" practice I'd been doing, but not as quieting. Perhaps there is something frightening to me about the super relaxed state? It feels dark and heavy in some ways.
Friday, January 25
I did the same practice as Thursday with the same reactions. During the second third of practice I noticed that feeling of being trapped in time and asked myself why. It came to me it was like insomnia. I had no idea what time it was or how much time was passing and that reminded me of anxiety and insomnia and all kinds of not good things. But meditation happens during the daytime and it's good, right?
Sunday, January 27
Legs Up the Wall pose is my Sunday treat so I went with that. I decided intuitively just to do breath awareness (I'm trying to be more intuitive about what I choose to do). I lost track of the interval bells (for Legs Up the Wall, I practice 20 minutes with four bells) and that made me feel adrift in time again. Then it popped into my mind that there actually is a similarity between trying to meditate and lying awake in the middle of the night and trying not to panic about it. This phrase came into my mind: Endlessly Awake and Trying Not to Think.
by Nina Zolotow
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