Meditation Project: Settling In
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| The Victory by Rene Magritte |
Yes, it's true, I missed a week reporting in about my meditation practice. But that's not because I stopped meditating; it's just because my cousin was visiting and I decided to take a week off from blogging.
So today I'm back with a report that covers two weeks of practice. And a lot happened in that two-week period. It began with me forgetting to practice the first Sunday of the two-week period, even though I clearly had the time. Things have been unsettled around here is my excuse. I felt just awful about it. That's the first week all year I meditated only five days instead of six. I think I was experiencing some kind of crisis of doubt due triggered by my reaction to situation with a friend because the next day when I did meditate it was really awful—I just felt so restless and emotionally distressed—and I was sorely tempted for the first time to bail out in the middle of my meditation period. But I stuck it through and that actually provided a turning point for me in general. After that, I seemed to settle into some kind groove where I felt more comfortable with the 15 or 20 minutes of meditating and stopped having that occasional panicky feeling about not being able to survive the session. I guess I finally realized, on a gut level, that yes, I can survive. Wow, that sounds a bit dramatic, doesn't it.
Finally, my daughter and her dog have moved back to Austin last Monday, and I have have also settled back in to my old schedule, where there is a lot less distraction and more time for blogging and other kinds of writing.
Another realization I had was due to a comment left on a Facebook post that linked to my post Meditation Project: Doubt. The comment was a simple observation that I seemed "attached to the outcome" of my practice. Good point! So I tried to let go of my attachment to experiencing some kind of progress. Of course, I still want to keep reporting in, which entails some kind of evaluating to happen, but I from now on I will aim to react with a bit more detachment when I'm making observations about my practice.
Here's my meditating diary for the two-week period. I'm going to keep the entries short, both for your sake and mine! Other issues came up during the two weeks that I will pick up on later.
Sunday, April 3
This was the day I "forgot" to meditate, following my week of doubt. When I realized what I had done, I tried to think if there was some way I could make it up later on, like maybe on Saturday, but didn't manage to catch up on Saturday.
Monday, April 8
This was the day I thought repeatedly about stopping my practice because I was so unhappy and uncomfortable. But I stuck it through.
Tuesday, April 9
After the bad day, this was a nice one. It was a beautiful spring day and I practiced in front of an open window, and enjoyed the sound of the wind as I practiced. Basically I was back to normal after the previous day's crisis. I felt calm and happy after practice.
Wednesday, April 10
Found time to practice during a very busy week. I noticed my mind was very busy, but accepted that. And I stopped worrying about "making it through."
I've been happier and less stressed lately, as one stressful situation in my life has been resolve and I'm so happy it is now spring, which I love.
Thursday, April 11
Similar experience to the day before, even though it was a gloomy day. Haha, so much planning gets done by my busy mind even while I'm trying not to think.
Friday, April 12
It was a busy and somewhat stressful day and there was lots of stuff going on in the house while I was practicing, so I was a bit impatient to finish. But it was basically okay.
Sunday, April 14
Suddenly decided to practice So Ham again, with my breath, instead of Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. Is it bad that I can't commit?
Monday, April 15
Practiced So Ham again. I like how the mantra works with my breath—it helps me focus on both the inhalation and exhalation—but it leaves even more open space for busy thoughts.
Tuesday, April 16
Practiced in the late morning (instead of after noon) for the first time to make sure I got my practice in. Still wanted to practice So Ham, but my mind seems busier with So Ham than with the other mantra. Hmmm. Is my lack of commitment to a single practice a problem? Or am I just still searching?
Wednesday, April 17
Back to my normal schedule with all houseguests gone, so I did a nice asana practice followed with a meditation with Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. I got very relaxed and quiet and random images popped up, like when I'm falling asleep but I didn't fall asleep (kind of like yoga nidra?).
Thursday, April 18
Back to Shanti, Shanti, Shanti and back on track. Not feeling that claustrophobia or panic any more! I didn't meditate until after dinner, though, and I'm starting to see the advantages of meditation first thing every morning at the same time. I feel like I'm working my way toward that.
Friday, April 19
This is the day I was judging how busy my mind was and feeling like I wasn't making progress and then I let go of that and realized was making progress because I was feeling more comfortable meditating in general.
by Nina Zolotow
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